[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.