Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.