Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
You Might Also Like
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it