Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You Might Also Like
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.