A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read