Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most