No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.