I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Did…did a minotaur write this
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”