I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.