Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My dad teaching me to drive
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Holy shit he’s back
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
This a good idea
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*