Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?