wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
so this horse walks into a bar
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.