I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
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Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 馃檪
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine鈥檚 Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it鈥檚 called a lemon
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom鈥檚
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I鈥檓 thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you