Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.