My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE