[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
You Might Also Like
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
A small tragedy.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander