10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.