My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
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*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…