I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people