The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did