My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
IT’S-A ME,
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?