My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Xylophonist Shredding It
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in