I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly