First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.