the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Happy birthday to all the women
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.