Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
🙄😏😂🤣
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid