Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
i was baptized in a car wash
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it