My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.