My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
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My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I love you…
…r dog.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Mornin
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson