I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend