daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot