Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Bit chilly again tonight.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
wishing you and yours all the best
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.