[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
All excellent questions
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
A friend sent me this.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.