[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Jail
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation