CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Baller is short for ballerina
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.