As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes