Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Called it
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.