UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!