I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S