My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”