Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
listen closely
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*serious situation*
My brain:
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.