[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
You Might Also Like
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.