I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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Beauty and the Beast
I’m giving up ice.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Not today.. 😂
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.