Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?