Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.