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Just so funny
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
He wanted to make sure😂
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.