The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.