*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.