flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Danger is very dangerous
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
The French cow says MEUX…
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job