“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My dad teaching me to drive
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”